Log in

No account? Create an account

The Doctor

Looking forward to the next Doctor Who episode.
Title: Shopping for Fun, Profit and Galactic Peace
Category: Movies » Star Trek: 2009
Author: pezzyaltoid
Language: English, Rating: Rated: M
Genre: General
Published: 07-31-10, Updated: 07-31-10
Chapters: 1, Words: 9,275

Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek. I do have many Star Trek novels and a 1995 TOS Calendar, as well as some DVDs.

Rating: Let's rate this at a 'T.' I am never very graphic, but the language is sometimes a little 'rough' and I use bad words There are even some 'serious scenes.' Everyone can make shocked faces now.

Dramatis personae (for the most part): Kirk, Spock, Nyota, Janice Rand, and some evil aliens.

Summary: Just remember, selecting a gift can be an adventure, but shopping with relatives . . .just make sure you are armed.

Notes: This piece is set in the same AU as I Hate Those Unexpected Phone Calls, Don't You? I know it's a dreadful title, but what can I do? I have no beta.

As usual, I am my own editor and oft times fail to turn a wise eye to the flaws of my own work. Responses concerning grammar, structure, plot, characterizations, spelling, and the like are much appreciated.

Many thanks to VickyfromGreece, who found some extra words and punctuation as well as some missing ones for me. I personally own any remaining errors.

Diftor heh smusma



Shopping for Fun, Profit and Galactic Peace


"Your mother's birthday is in about a month and a half. What are you getting for her?" The question came out of the blue and was associated with a disapproving expression from the most beautiful, but deadly brown eyes Kirk knew. He laid his sandwich back down on its plate and picked up his coffee.

Birthday? My mother has a birthday? Kirk thought and considered 'confused' for his initial reaction, but knew for a certainty that would work against him. Since his mom and Nyota Uhura's father-in-law wed, Nyota had expanded her sphere of influence and control to include his personal life as well as that of Spock's. She still seemed to consider her step-brother-in-law incompetent and childish in many areas and apparently birthday recognition had become one of them. Fortunately she didn't feel the need to second guess him on starship operations - yet.

"Hadn't really thought about it," he said, "Janice has me so buried in paperwork, I think it'll take a laser drill to get out from under." He smiled and played his 'I'm the captain, I am very busy, and really charming' card with a fond hope that she would think him overworked instead of thoughtless, or even worse, stupid and confused.

It didn't work, of course. It never did, but he had to try.

"You need to think about it and soon," she said. "If you want your gift to get to her on time, you'll have to ship it within the next week." With deft fingers, she broke off a piece of the spongy looking bread she had and used it to scoop out a bite of her spicy-smelling and richly red vegetable stew. "We'll be docked at Beta Casparii Four for at least two weeks. You should be able to find a nice gift there."

"I didn't think Vulcan cuisine had anything that you could eat with your fingers," Kirk commented trying to change the subject.

"It's not Vulcan," she gave him the 'look' again. "It's Ethiopian. Injera and a vegetable alecha. And quit trying to change the subject, Jim. Spock and I have already shipped her our gift." Another delicate bite of bread and stew disappeared into the beautiful mouth that was the fount of many frightening things.

"Shipped . . . You've already sent MY mother a birthday present?" Kirk snorted into his coffee. Now he was going to be in trouble with his mother as well with Nyota Uhura. If Sarek's Vulcan son and his wife could remember her birthday, why couldn't her all-too-human child. He should have known better than to have lunch with the maddening, but brilliant woman married to Spock.

"You haven't even thought about it at all, have you?" Nyota sighed and shook her head, "and, of course, we've sent something. Your mom is Spock's stepmother now, remember?"

Yes, he remembered, as if he would forget. If he did, Ms. Uhura would be there to remind him. At some level, he was disappointed in himself, but not as much as Nyota obviously was. For James T. Kirk, S'chn T'gai Nyota Uhura was a better reason than any other he'd found to avoid the happy bonds of wedded bliss and unholy matrimony. She ran his anal-retentive XO's life like a despot or drill sergeant. All more remarkable, for it was obviously with his XO's unreserved co-operation and approval. God knows, the Vulcan seemed to enjoy her despotic ways. Unfortunately for Kirk, she'd become determined over the last few months to do the same with him, but without the benefits Spock enjoyed. He could see no way of stopping her short of transferring her off, but that would lose Spock for him. Figuring out the trade-offs gave Kirk headaches when he thought about them.

"Seriously, you need to do something about it, and soon! I can give you a few suggestions. Aurelan and I worked out a list of some things your mother would love, when she commed me with the stills of the woven hanging she and Sam got for Winnie," Nyota paused, looking Kirk over again. "There are some great ideas, and we have your mom's sizes, as well." Nyota paused and looked at Kirk thoughtfully, "On second thought, I'm not sure you should be shopping for things that require sizes." She tapped a long elegant finger on his chest and pinched his tunic. "And you will need a clean shirt before you go back to the bridge. . . Captain!"

'Yes, Mother," Kirk muttered under his breath. "Just send me the damn list."


"Perhaps you should not have been so forceful with him, beloved" Spock drew off his blue science tunic and sent it on it's way to the laundry. Nyota Uhura sat on the edge of their bed as she watched, with great appreciation, her most prized possession strip in preparation for a shower. Sometimes she couldn't believe she was really married to that gorgeous Vulcan body and bonded to that brilliant mind. "Jim does not deal well with non-negotiable demands."

"He's just being thoughtless and childish," she said. She scooted over a bit on the bed to give Spock almost enough room to sit down while he removed his boots and socks, "He really needs to learn to take care of family responsibilities."

Before Spock realized what was happening, she'd slipped to the floor and was undoing his left boot. "Let me help you with that, baby. Anyway I did, well Aurelan and I did, all the hard work figuring out some nice gifts he could pick from." She looked up at him and smiled, "I'll even make sure it's shipped out if he just gets her something." Nyota finished undoing the boot and started on the second one as he pulled his black t-shirt off and leaned forward to find the closure in her uniform.

"Why did you not simply select a specific item as you did with the gift we sent," he asked, then released a small gasp as a wayward hand dragged down the inside of his thigh. He stood pulling her up with him and finished divesting her of her uniform.

"Then he'll never learn to do it on his own. The man's in charge of a fucking starship, baby! He should be able to buy his mother a lousy little birthday present." Nyota's bra went the same way as her uniform, leaving the pair of them standing face to face, naked from the waist up. Spock pulled a pair of fingers down the side of Nyota's face then stroked the underside of her chin. Her warm brown skin darkened under his touch and he reveled in the fires of her rising passion, before he squatted down to unzip and remove her boots.

"You will be spending part of our shore leave ensuring that Jim has followed your instructions and obtained the required item, then?" He reached up and caught her panties and tights with crooked fingers and drew them down her legs where she stepped out of them. He rose and touched her face again, then moved a gentle hand across the tips of her breasts, eliciting a gasp and an electric jolt they both felt.

"Damn straight, Babe," she answered and returned his favor by undoing the closure on his pants, then pushing them along with his black boxer briefs to the floor. "I'm taking Jan with me, just as back-up. We should get it handled - really quick. That woman knows how to make him behave," she added, her hand moving a lot higher than just the inside of his thigh.

"I do not believe that my step-brother thinks of Ms. Rand in that way, ashayam." Spock pulled her arm up gently. He stroked her hand in the Vulcan fashion, sending her waves of his desire, then kissed her until she started to melt. "You might have better luck if you tried to pair him off with Carol Marcus, that scientist he met recently. He frequently speaks of her and they are in communication."

She followed him into the bathroom and leaned into the shower stall. She hit the button for a water shower and turned her eyes to survey her Vulcan and his responses to her. "He doesn't burn, though, does he?"

"I do not believe that to be the case."

"Not like you do," she said, turning her attention to the part of his anatomy that burned the brightest for her as he touched his fingers to her psi points.

"No, not like I do," came Spock's husky echo.

He pulled her tight to him and they slipped into the shower, each other and the fires of paradise.


More people than Kirk expected awaited him in the transporter room when he arrived to beam down to the planet. Most of his bridge crew, his chief engineer, at least three people from security along with McCoy and and McCoy's head nurse, Chris Chapel, were there. Their luggage had been sent down well ahead of them to reserved officer's quarters at the Star Fleet base planet-side, so most carried only the minimum. What surprised him most was Spock and Uhura dressed in casual Terran style clothing. Spock seldom discarded his uniform and when he did he tended to prefer Vulcan fashions. Uhura, well, she just didn't let him see her in casual Terran clothes very often.

Normally Kirk would be highly concerned that both he and Spock would be on prolonged shore leave simultaneously, but not this time. Enterprise had been offered an atmosphere exchange, a fresh overhaul of the oxygen scrubbers, and a deodorizing guaranteed to leave the ship smelling sweet, clean and springtime fresh for at least six months and more likely a year. The base at Beta Casparii Four had a reputation for being the place to get your atmosphere and associated support systems overhauled. They wanted to add the flag ship of the line to their list of satisfied customers so the offer appeared almost before the Enterprise drew into orbit and docked. Considering he was sharing space with hundreds of sweaty, gassy, stinky humans and other sentient life forms, Kirk could find fewer reasons to turn them down on their offer than he could turning down Uhura's thinly veiled "requests."

"Lieutenant. Commander," Kirk greeted them first, careful to maintain a professional demeanor around the rest of the crew. He didn't want to slip and accidentally use Nyota's first name in public.

"Looks like we have quite a crowd here right now," he commented, nodding to his colleagues. "Spock, are you and the lieutenant going down first or second?"

"First group, Captain," Spock said. "Nyota has plans and I want to visit the base's tech research center." Nyota rolled her eyes as she stood behind her Vulcan and gave her head a small, disapproving shake. Kirk didn't think the scientist was going to get much time to visit with science.

"I think I'll go down with the second group, then," Kirk decided. He'd counted 16 people waiting for this transporter room, that was two groups of eight. If he went down second, he might be able to avoid the inevitable shopping trip he didn't want to take.

The Lieutenant smiled. Hers were a thing of beauty. Jim could charm ambassadors, school teachers, heads of state, Star Fleet admirals and the grouchy old woman who lived down the road from the Iowa farm where he grew up, but hers could stop grown Klingons in a battle rage.

"Oh no, Captain!" she said sweetly. "You are in the first group. With Spock, the Doctor, Mr. Scott, Pavel, Janice, Ensign Gibbs," she pointed at the tallest of the three security people, "and me. Ensign Gibbs is meeting his brother and we," she indicated her small collection of people, "have lunch reservations at two. I know you have an errand to run first, so I thought that Janice and I could help you. You wouldn't want to be late for lunch, Captain."

"No, I don't think I would, Lieutenant Uhura, I don't think I would," he said with resignation as he stepped onto the transporter platform and into position. "Energize."


Down on the planet's surface, the eight of them vacated the transporter platform and moved to Customs and through Customs quickly. There were still some advantages to being the heroes that saved the Federation after all. One was, fortunately, and unfortunately, at times, instant recognition throughout most of the Federation. It got them through the luggage check and scanners fast, but not quite fast enough. As the Enterprise crew pushed out of Customs, the crowd pushed around them, appendages of all kinds shoving printed holographic images, demanding autographs.

"If I find out who talked . . ." Kirk began, then stopped as an elderly . . .uh . . .something, someone handed him an 8x10 print of himself to autograph. "Who do I make this out to?" he asked, hoping for the best from the universal translator.

"Merp'pa'pa'chirp." came the response.

"Can you spell that?"

"Em - EE- Two-Que-asterisk-horse-que-que"

"Sure thing!" Kirk scribbled out something illegible, signed his name and added a valentine heart, a child's interpretation of a sun, and a big Kirk smile as he handed the image back to the appendage that proffered it to him. He hated it when the universal translator failed to translate. He'd find out what kind of being Me-two-que-whinny-chirp was and see if somebody could update the language module. Uhura would know, and if she didn't, Spock would. He could cite nearly any Star Fleet regulation word-for-word from memory so there was no good reason that he couldn't identify random species of intelligent life forms.

Kirk had had enough adulation for the moment and he wanted to get out of the area before the Starbase commander and whatever local officials found them and offered them obligatory honors. "Okay, everybody. That's it. Let the galactic heroes through. They have luggage to collect and reservations for lunch," he boomed loudly at the crowd. Kirk's words, and the appearance of base security, was enough to cause the crowd to reluctantly disburse.

Regrouping away from the crowd, the crew chattered amongst themselves. They'd encountered reminders of the regard in which they were now held around the Federation before, but that regard usually involved speeches, bad food, boring company and dress uniforms. Seldom did they get the vid star treatment. Mr. Chekov seemed to find it 'werwy exciting' and would have run off with a really cute little redheaded girl if the hand of reason, attached to a dour Scotsman more interested in lunch than losing the young navigator to wee lassie, had not stopped him.

"Ye don't want to be runnin' off like that, lad. You'll get yerself lost," the older man advised, "And ye don't know where the lassie's been, now doo ye?"

Chekov stared at him, "But Meester Scott," Chekov started.

"Stay with us, laddie. Let's get settled, fed and then we'll find you some entertainment worth being entertained by." Scott continued to redirect the young curly-haired Russian away from the 'wee lassie' and back to his fellow Enterprise crew.

Once away from the crowd of fans and gawkers, the group relaxed and finalized when and where to regroup for lunch. Uhura and Janice stood in a subset that included Kirk and Spock. Nyota leaned slightly towards her Vulcan, face tipped upwards, as if considering a public kiss. That she thought better of it was clearly evident as she caught herself and, instead, glided her fingers over his. A subtle gesture, except to those who knew them.

Kirk tapped his yeoman's shoulder, "Look, they're making out." He pointed at Spock's fingers slowly dragging over Uhura's." The couple pulled their hands apart, slightly embarrassed.

Janice figured that this was going to get worse fast. She'd see the three of them when they got going and she didn't intend to spend her shore leave refereeing for her boss, the XO, and the XO's bride. It was one thing to help Nyota take The Man to pick out a birthday present. It was quite another to be his keeper. She quickly found a distraction in the form of a large black-framed screen mounted at a convenient height and angle.

"There's an interactive map of the district," Janice pointed out their current location, now highlighted on the map with a brightly lit smiley face and an arrow pointed downward, the classic symbol for "you are here."

"Looks like there's a shopping district over this way," Janice indicated a location that the screen assured them was full of a lot of little shops - crafts, antiques, specialties and the like. She tapped their current location on the huge glowing screen, then the location of the location she was suggesting. A bright yellow ribbon of light flew between the spots.

The device flashed words at her in response. Optimal route calculated. Maps and directions are ready for download, the device reported. Then with a great deal more civility, it asked, Would you care to reserve transport? Two, three and four person units are immediately available for your convenience.

"Ny?" Janice turned to the dark haired woman wearing vibrant primary red.

"Sounds good to me." Nyota replied.

"Captain?" Even off-duty, Janice Rand refused to call her captain anything but captain. She really really needed to keep the distance. There were no fairy tales with this master of a starship in her future. Not like that of Nyota and her Vulcan.

Jim sighed, scratched the back of his neck and checked his scalp for mind-control devices. He hated shopping and didn't know how he'd ended up going. Actually he knew, he just didn't like the answer. "Let's just go and get it done with, " he said.

Nyota turned back to her husband and Janice took up a brief conversation with McCoy. Kirk tried to find the good of it. His mom would get a birthday present and there were advantages to spending a couple of hours, in public, in civilian clothing, with two gorgeous women on his arms. The ladies might be off-limits but at least he could make other people jealous. Spock, or more likely Uhura, would kill him if he expressed any interest in her beyond the usual teasing. As far as Janice Rand was concerned, Star Fleet would have his head, both of them, if he tried to make time with his yeoman. He sighed softly to himself. There were days that he could have gotten lost in that long blonde hair and eyes the color of the ocean of hers.

Nyota was giving Spock endless instructions. The damn Vulcan was the most competent sentient being Kirk had ever known, and she still insisted on giving him lists of things he needed to do. The sex must be out of this world, and the next three planets for Spock to be so whipped. He watched in silence, as Spock listened, with great equanimity, to her requests and nodded. She concluded with, "I am sending you the information about where we're going," transmitting the kiosk's travel info from her portable to his.

"Hey, Spock. She'll have me back no later than 13:45, ship time, I promise!" Kirk interjected. With an instinct born of Star Fleet training and too many bar fights, Kirk pulled away from the hand that was going for his head; the same hand that caught the edge of his ear because he didn't move quite fast enough.

"Ow! that hurt!" he snapped, "Is my ear bleeding? You can get in trouble for attacking a superior officer, you know."

"Don't be a smart-mouth, Jim. It's undignified," Nyota turned towards him and poked gently at the ear she'd just grazed. "It's not even red. McCoy, come look at his ear, please."

McCoy glanced in the direction of the Captain and his Communications officer. "Your ear is fine, Jim. Stop whining."

Uhura gave him a "see, I told you so" look, then turned back to Spock. "You'll have time to check us in to the rooms. Could you get Jim's room settled at the same time, too?"

Spock had been looking forward to hitting the tech center while she was out forcing Kirk to go shopping. Kirk knew the Vulcan well enough that he was trying to figure out how to do everything Nyota wanted and still have time to visit the science projects before she got back. He thought about yammering inanely to distract her, but that would be uncaptainly. Anyway, someone besides him should have to suffer because of this little shopping jaunt. After all, it was Spock's fault. He was the one who couldn't keep it in his pants enough to say no to Nyota Uhura. Instead he bade his XO and the rest of his crew to behave until they met up for lunch.


Spock knew first that there was something wrong. He'd blocked most of the bond while Nyota went shopping. He hated 'shopping' with the passion of an ancient Vulcan or any man who has been forced to sit outside a dressing room, holding bags and untried apparel. Nyota, too, found his current science interests equally boring and had developed a disquieting tendency to giggle at him in the back of his mind and send lascivious thoughts his way when she found the material too far from her liking. Along with McCoy, Scott and Chekov, he'd gotten his party checked in with enough time remaining for a quick visit to the tech research center before Kirk and the women returned. Scott and Chekov followed the Vulcan enthusiastically and McCoy had tagged along because he didn't want to drink alone.

It was nearly time to meet. Spock found a memory of cool, dark skin gliding through his thoughts and he opened his side of the bond up, hoping to encourage her to 'hurry back.' He caught her amusement at Kirks 'shopping,' her automatic response to the intimate images he sent, then . . '.

He reeled with the intensity of Nyota's mental onslaught. Frantic, disjointed thoughts raced in his direction across the silver cord of their bond and he could feel none of her usual warmth and humor, nor even her more vexing emotions when she was unhappy. Confusion, the beginnings of control and he felt her fear, knew her fear, nearly collapsing under it.

Nearly. Instead of hitting the floor, he found himself caught by unexpected human arms and his fall redirected to a chair. "Nyota!" he managed to force her name from between his lips. McCoy was poking at him and pushed him back into the chair as he started to rise.

"Siddown you!" McCoy ordered, professionalism overcame insults as he turned from bantering friend to Doctor. Even on shore leave, the doctor carried a small medkit and was pulling out a scanning device. "What the hell just happened to you?" he demanded to know.

Spock pushed at McCoy again and erected enough of a mental shield that he could function. "Not me, Doctor," Spock rasped, his normal baritone rough and unfinished, "Nyota, Jim and Ms. Rand. Something has happened and they are in great danger." Spock rose, despite the best efforts of both McCoy and now Scott, to keep him down and in his seat, "I need to save Nyota before they kill her!"


Such naughty thoughts, Babe, for such a straight-laced Vulcan. She sent back amusement with love at the images and sensations she found in his mind of her body beneath his, cool, dark and passionate. Hurrying, hurrying, hurrying, my Love. She shared his lust and gave them back along with feelings of a task completed. Jim had found a treasure box for his mother. Covered in wood parquetry so tiny, delicate and precise that it would rival millefiore or the finest of enamel work, the box was full of secret drawers and hidden compartments that would take hours for Winona to puzzle out and solve. He'd picked a wonderful gift, found it himself and it hadn't even been on her list. Her opinion of her brother-in-law and Captain improved at the moment.

She, Kirk and Rand rounded a corner on their way back to the transport. Kirk carried the treasure box he'd just purchased, Nyota and Janice each had one small parcel. Uhura had once again abused her relationship with people in power and had what she and Janice had bought transported back to their cabins on the Enterprise. If her Spock shared the fate of the other Spock, some day she might be stuck in the role of an ambassador's wife. She would be ready for the intrigue by that time they got there.

And they improved again, real fast. Dark clad attackers, at least a dozen of them, came from nowhere. Ruthless and relentless, they pounded at trio. Nyota pivoted and kicked at her assailant as she screamed for her husband in her mind. She was well versed in the martial arts. Both she and Kirk trained regularly with Spock in Suus Mahna and knew how to overcome a more powerful opponent. She and Kirk had even trained as a team against Spock, learning to work together as they did now. Janice Rand, blonde hair falling from it's careful coif to chaotically round her face and head, delivered punch after punch in way that would have made her Star Fleet trainer weep with joy. The three of them worked themselves together, back to-back-to back until they fell.


Kirk woke with a screaming headache, unable to move. His hands were tied behind his back, his feet bound together, the bindings attached by another length of rope to the ones on his wrists. He could tell they were on a moving ship. It felt different from his girl, the Enterprise, but it was still a ship in space. He opened his eyes and twisted around to check his surroundings and see if Uhura and Rand were still with him. He rolled in the direction of his left, then his right, contorting his body, until he had located them. Both women were tied similar to the way he was and both were still out. He called softly to them, moving closer in a painful worm-like crawl. Neither answered his calls, they were both dead to the world. Kirk hoped fervently that they were just still knocked out.

A sharp noise to one end of the chamber in which they were held drew Kirk's attention. If this were going to be a stereotypical scenario, Kirk decided, some smarmy, over-dressed humanoid would appear, accompanied by his personal minions - a big bruiser of an idiot and a nerdy sort of creature that did the tech for them. They would then beat him up for information.

He hadn't gotten much farther through his ruminations when a well-placed foot rolled him over, bouncing his head on the metal floor. "Oww!" Jim croaked and turned to look at his assailant. Sometimes his prescience amazed even himself as he stared up at the very three individuals he's describe to himself just moments before. He'd only missed by a little bit.

The small nerdy fellow was the one kicking at him under the watchful eye of the big bruiser, and the smarmy over-dressed one. From what little he could understand, the big guy was in charge, the smarmy guy was tech and the little fellow was . . . the muscle?

"Talk, Kirk!" the little guy demanded, "How did you find out?" The little guy quit kicking him and Kirk twisted around enough that the miniature muscle could pull him into a sitting position.

"Find out what?" Jim asked. He looked over at the women again. One of Nyota's eyes blinked open for half a second. She was awake, but continued with the appearance of being out. They didn't like his response though. The little guy punched him in the shoulder. The, well he wasn't human and Kirk didn't know what species he was from, fellow was a lot stronger than he looked. If they survived, Kirk was spending a lot of time with a dermal regenerator.

"About the plan. You must have. You had the box with the plans hidden in them," the big non-bruiser said.

Kirk stared at them with one of those 'what the fuck are you talking about' stares, then closed his eyes as a pretense to check on his downed officers that lay on the floor behind the trio of aliens. Both women were awake now and Kirk had a sense that they were trying to loosen each other's bonds.

"What box? What plan." he asked in his most innocent voice. That brought another kick. Kirk grimaced with pain. Damnable little guy had shoes with really pointed toes and metal caps. No, he looked at the little guy's feet, no shoes. He could just hear Spock calling it a keratinous growth similar in formation to a claw or horn and situated on the specimen's hallux or great toe.

"Oh, that box!" he said as if the entire concept had just occurred to him. "I got that for my mom for her birthday. I had to get her something nice. My step-brother and his wife had already sent her something that probably reeks of quality, thoughtfulness and logic."

The three aliens started guiltily at the word 'logic.' "He doesn't know anything. Dump him and the women on that abandoned freighter. Maybe they can escape before they die," the big one laughed. Then the other two laughed with him. He exchanged a quick look with the now awake Uhura and Rand. They weren't getting out of this alive if these three had anything to say about it.

Kirk, while plenty fearful of death, was like the elephant's child and full of insatiable curiosity. He wanted to know why he and his crewmen were being dumped on an abandoned spacecraft to die.

So he asked.

Much to Kirk's surprise, they answered. The smarmy guy flipped Kirk's treasure chest over and pushed on the bottom of it, popping it open and pulling out a data carrier and several sheets of actual paper.

"This is the itinerary of that Vulcan ambassador. The one that supports the admission of Coridan to the Federation," the big guy rumbled, "It's worth a lot to us when we stop him."

Kirk watched as Uhura mouthed the words "Orion Syndicate" while the big one delineated their plan to kill Sarek of New Vulcan. Kirk was not sure if he was more surprised at the audacity of the plan or the total overconfidence of the would-be assassins. He was certain, though, that the trio of killers had no idea who they'd caught.

Behind the aliens, Uhura and Rand worked silently as possible, undoing the bindings that held them. Kirk kept his eyes on the big one as he waxed elegant, violating every rule that Kirk could imagine for interstellar criminals with delusions of grandeur. He'd been held captive enough to know that it was a very bad idea to reveal your plans to living people, even if you thought that they would be dead soon. He hoped that Nyota Uhura was doing everything in her power to make sure that her possessive and resourceful Vulcan knew as much about their situation as possible.

Nyota Uhura and Janice Rand stood up slowly and silently. With equal silence, each woman grabbed as large and heavy an object as she could quickly find. Uhura signaled and silently said "On three." Janice nodded her understanding. Nyota counted out three and both woman swung hard at their captors.


Leonard McCoy, Montgomery Scott, Pavel Chekov and Security Chief Barry Giotto beamed down with their First Officer. Technically Giotto was in charge of the investigation. Chekov was there, expressing an interest in security and people still tended to ignore him as if he were a child, making him effective at gathering information. Scott was there as the technical guy and McCoy came along to make sure the Spock didn't "Vulcan death grip every goddamn, blasted idiot that got between Spock and his woman."

Using Spock's hand-held, the five of them retraced Kirk, Uhura and Rand's steps to the point where they'd been captured. While the Vulcan and the Scotsman ran tricorders over the scene, Giotto and Chekov section out the area and looked for physical evidence of what happened and where the missing Enterprise crew members were.

Spock started and dropped his communicator. "Ashayam," he whispered half aloud and half in his mind. "Plot to kill my favorite . . .no Father. . .calm, beloved. Open your eyes and let me see what you see. Let me hear what you hear."

The other men turned to Spock. He stood as if an ancient Vulcan statue, calm and listening to inner voices. McCoy picked up the abandoned tricorder and pulled out a hypo he'd brought just in case Spock went on a rampage. For a logical, peaceful being, Spock possessed a nearly uncontrollable temper when provoked.

"I do not believe they are still on this planet. I know what the beings who captured them look like now. It may help us find them. I know why they were taken and that their captors have no idea who Jim, Nyota, and Ms Rand are," Spock said the moment he was freed from his trance and rushed the group of them back to the base commander's office.

The base commander, his staff and the unsavory elements that lurked around the moral edges of the base on Beta Casparii Four never stood a chance. The Vulcan, a green-blooded, pointy-eared hell on wheels logician, wasted little time or effort to find what he wanted - his wife and his captain.


The Enterprise, shields up, pulled into a close orbit around the large rocky asteroid at the very edge of the circumstellar habitable zone around Beta Casparii. The asteroid tumbled as part of a sparse ring around the star. There were not enough of the tiny planetoids to be a hazard to navigation, other worlds or each other, but there were enough of them and of great enough mass to make them interesting to the less than savory elements that came to the starbase.

Spock leaned back in the captain's chair, his fingers steepled, his vaunted Vulcan control at the very edge. McCoy stood behind him,just to the right, intending to be an anchor for the Vulcan if he needed it.

"Hail them, Lieutenant Palmer," Spock directed, with a forced calmness he did not feel. Nyota's mind was fuzzy and distant. He didn't like that at all.

"Hailing frequencies open, sir," she responded after a few quick motions over her console, then after a few moments added, "I have a Mr. Glarkian, who says that this is his base and we are not welcome."

Spock ignored the comment "On screen."

Palmer turned back to the console. "Yes, sir," she said and made the big alien Kirk had expected to be the muscle in his little drama appeared.

"I am Commander Spock, First Officer, and currently in command of the USS Enterprise, Mr. Glarkian. I have information that leads me to believe that you may have . . . accidentally come into contact with three crew members from my ship and have knowledge of their current whereabouts. I require this information," the First Officer stated in a tone that screamed "Defy me if you dare." Spock was not good at taking 'no' for an answer.

Glarkian blanched noticeably. There was only one Vulcan is Star Fleet who held that position and after the destruction of the Vulcan Home World, even the lawless could recognize Spock, son of Sarek the ambassador that he intended to kill, Hero of the Battle for Earth.

"I have no idea what you are talking about, Commander Spock," Glarkian responded. "You need to leave and take your starship with you. I will speak no more of it. This communication has ended!" Glarkian cut the transmission, but if he thought Spock would pick up the planet and leave, he was mistaken.

"Science station, please scan the asteroid for human life signs." Spock requested. There was death in his voice. McCoy placed his hand on the back of the chair.

"Spock?" he said meeting the Vulcan's gaze with his own.

"Rest assure, I will get them back, Doctor," The edges of Spock's lips turned up slightly and there was death in his smile and expression. McCoy was glad that, no matter how crusty their relationship was, the Vulcan was his friend.

"No human life signs found, sir," the officer at the science station reported back.

"Thank you, Lieutenant," Spock said and turned back to Liz Palmer. "Get me Mr. Glarkian back again."

Within moments, Glarkian appeared on the screen, this time angry and shouting. "I told you to leave. This area is not under Federation jurisdiction. You have no authority to harass me over something I know nothing about."

"I want my crewmen. I know you are holding them. I know about your plot to kill the Vulcan Ambassador and I do not care whether or not this asteroid is under Federation control. The Enterprise is under MY control and I will have them returned immediately," Spock delineated everything that Uhura had overheard Glarkian telling Kirk as they traveled from Beta Casparii Four to the abandoned freighter on the other side of the system.

"Fuck you, Vulcan!" Glarkian knew he was losing but wasn't willing to surrender. He cut the transmission again.

"I do not believe so, Mr. Glarkian," the Vulcan replied, feeling the faint shutters of the primary shields as Glarkian fired on the Federation flagship.

"Shields holding," Hikaru Sulu reported, "We could take this firepower for months without it damaging our shields to below 96%"

"Hail the base again, Ms. Palmer," Spock directed the blonde communications officer.

"Apparently you do not understand," Spock said before Glarkian could speak, "You are holding my Captain, his yeoman and our communications officer. Star Fleet does not look with approval at those who take such actions and it would be to your benefit to return them."

Suddenly Glarkian knew who he had and to whom he'd revealed his plans.

"You will release my captain, his yeoman and our communications officer or provide me with accurate co-ordinates of their location immediately. If you fail to comply, I will destroy your base of operations and reduce your functioning ships to so fine a rubble, they will form rings around the planet. There will be no negotiation on this point. Enterprise out!" Spock gave a small head nod to Liz Palmer, who cut the transmission. "Target the base defense grid, narrow beam. I wish to give Mr. Glarkian the impetus and opportunity to respond," he told Mr. Sulu.

Spock leaned forward in the center chair, his chin resting on his steepled fingers. His eyes were dark and his face hard. His angled eyebrows drew together just enough to form a slight wrinkle between them. The corners of his usually neutral mouth drew down slightly. Hikaru Sulu turned to respond. He had served with the pensive Vulcan for several years now and knew how seldom, if ever, he'd see Spock this angry and threatening. "Targeting acquired. Ready on your mark, sir."

Spock nodded his acknowledgment.


One defense grid, two massive freighters, six smaller ships and a luxury star cruiser later, Glarkian begged to be allowed to transmit the location where he'd abandoned Kirk and the women.


Piles of old gray crates covered one side of the hold. Dusty and foul smelling they must have been in the belly of one ship or another for many years to take on the living and dying odors of so many species. Kirk, Rand and Uhura each pulled out a crate, levered it open, and dug through, looking for something that could be used for a weapon, communication with the outside world, or just to eat

Covered with more and more dirt, the three of them opened crate after crate finding nothing of use. Janice and Nyota sat down one they just closed, back to back, both the same shade of filthy dirty gray. Kirk stopped, too, for a moment and took a breather.

"I wonder how many crates we've looked through so far?" He stared at the disjointed pile they'd rummaged through.

Nyota rubbed at the dirt on her face. "One hundred and thirty-seven," she stated in a calm, serene voice, sounding very much like her Vulcan.

Janice, whose back was to hers and faced away from Kirk, pretended to sneeze as she choked back a laugh. The blonde leaned round, balancing her dirty chin on Nyota's dirty shoulder. "Point five," she added, pointing to a half rummaged through container that hadn't made it to the pile of fully rummaged.

"Let's get back to work," Kirk urged as he turned back to the pile. The crate he opened next had not seen the light of any start in as long as Kirk had been alive; even longer for some of it's contents. He pushed through the contents then fell back on his heels as he pawed though the objects that he was unexpectedly able to identify. Buried near the bottom, he found a stack of papers and envelopes and read the front of the top one.

"How the hell . . . ?" he murmured.

It didn't matter here, not at this moment. It was a mystery and a wonder to ponder when he had the luxury of pondering time. Right now, the only thing that was important was getting Uhura, Rand and himself out of this foul death pit of a hold. But still, he'd come back and get the crate. The packet, however, was different. It was too important to just leave. He tucked the sheaf inside his waistband and tucked his black undershirt back over them. He vowed return and recover everything in the hold. He carefully closed and resealed the particular crate that had held his find with a scrap of metal, he scraped a big 'K' on the side and another on the top, 'K' for 'Kirk,' 'K' for Kelvin.

He didn't have much time to ruminate. Janice called to him.

"Captain! We think we've found something useful!" Kirk scrambled over the boxes to where the two officers worked. He offered Uhura a hand-up. Once standing, she handed him the device she'd found. He looked at with admiration. Exquisite engravings of images, symbols and writing covered the flowing lines of the metal object. He identified controls on one side, then handed it back to Nyota.

"What is it?" he asked.

Nyota and Janice both looked pleased enough for Kirk to know that it had to be something good. "It's an advanced long-range communications device. Based on this gauge on the side, I'd say it's fully charged as well."

Kirk released a lot of the tension he didn't know he was feeling. "Can you work it?"

Nyota tilted the alien communicator in her hands. "I think so. The language on it is Hibaric. They like to use different frequencies than the Federation, but I should be able to reset it to Star Fleet emergency frequencies. As long as someone picks up the signals, we should be found."

"As long as. We don't even know where we are or if anyone is looking for us where we are."

"But they are looking, Jim." Uhura said with great confidence. "Spock is looking and I know he will find us. He told me."

"Let's just hope we're alive when he does, Nyota."

"We will be, Kirk," she had all confidence in her Vulcan husband and his relentlessness. "Can you imagine him permitting anything else happening?

Kirk shrugged and shook his head. Between the two of them, Kirk and Spock, they regularly beat the odds. He should take Spock to a casino based on their mutual luck.

"I'm going to keep looking for weapons while you get that thing working." He bowed and held out a gallant hand to his yeoman. "Ms. Rand, if you care to accompany me to the smelly old crates, while Lieutenant Uhura makes that comm work.

Janice curtsied and returned his easy smile. They pulled out another stack of crates and started digging through them, while Uhura poked, prodded, and reset the alien device that Janice had found.

With great patience and a quiet born of being a thoroughly superior sort of woman and the Vulcan's bride, Nyota Uhura translated and reset the alien device. It took mere moments for her to contact the ship and even less for Human's husband to locate them and beam the three of them back to the Enterprise.


With great care he packed up the yellowed pile of papers, first in bright white tissue, then a box, then colorful wrapping paper that was covered with pictures of stars and galaxies and spaceships, then another layer of packaging for the purposes of shipping it. He addressed the package and delivered it to Nyota.

"Do you think you can get it to my mom on time?" he asked.

Nyota smiled. After what she'd just been through with him, she was proud to call him Captain and brother-in-law. "I'll do my best, sir!"

Winona's call a few days later took him by surprise. He figured it would be at least a month before the package got to her, so he couldn't imagine what prompted the call.

"Oh, Jimmy, it's just so wonderful! I don't know how to thank you for giving me back such a tangible piece of your father," she said. Even through the vid screen, Kirk could see the tears welling up in her eyes.

"Glad you liked the present, Mom," Jim replied. Her joy felt good.

The Lady Winona clutched the small packet tightly to her chest. "I never thought I'd ever see these again. It's just too amazing!"

"You don't know just how amazing, Mom," he smiled to himself, happy he pleased her, happy that she was happy and happy that Nyota would leave him in peace - for at least a few days.


Jim settled down in a comfortable stuffed chair in the officer's lounge. Nyota Uhura, carrying her supper tray, sat down opposite him, placing her tray on the cube like conversation table between them. She picked up the bowl with her food in it, little greenish discs with generous bits of red, green and orange vegetables. It must have smelled better than it looked. Kirk's stomach growled. She leaned across the table, spoon in hand with a bite of her food for him.

"Taste it," she directed.

Kirk took the mouthful. "It's good," he said with some surprise.

"It's a nice side-effect of being married to a vegetarian. I've got a great selection of stuff programmed into the food replicators that Spock will eat besides that damnable plomeek soup. Get yourself some - It's French Lentil Stew and M'humba's naan."

Kirk like his replicated meat, but this was really good. Besides, he wanted to ask her a snoopy question. It should be easier to do with French Lentil Stew. He came back with a generous bowl - he really did like the stuff and three big pieces of bread.

"McCoy won't like that, Jim. He says you eat too much and are going to end up old, fat, and obnoxious."

Kirk shrugged. "You only live once."

"And die young," she added, "What did you want to talk about?"

"Just curiosity. What was it that you and Spock sent my mom for her birthday?"

"We sent her a couple of antique books from the 1800s. First editions. They were in a little antique shop Spock and I visited the last time the ship was dry-docked at Utopia Planatia," her whole body expressed extreme satisfaction, " We spent a week in New York, a week in Paris and a week in Arusha, touristing. One of the advantages of being Sarek's relatives. We caught rides on the diplomatic shuttle to Earth and the Vulcan embassy has apartments available for use in all the cities." She paused and added, "How do you think I got your gift to your mother on time?" Uhura gave Kirk a sly smile. "I am making liberal use of Spock's family's status and access to diplomatic channels, you see.

"So explain the 'We?'" Kirk requested. Nyota had piqued his curiosity and there was no stopping him now. "If 'We' sent her that, what did 'Me,' that is 'You,' send her?"

Nyota released a small sigh. Her dark eyes sparkled with amusement. Obviously she was quite pleased with herself. "Spock doesn't know so you cannot tell him."

"Tell him WHAT?"

"I sent your mom six kilos of the earth's finest chocolates - all in stasis," she said. Another sigh. A very different kind of sigh. Kirk was pretty sure he didn't want to know where that kind of sigh came from. She implied it anyway. "Chocolate is a wonderful thing for human women, particularly human women married to Vulcan men."

Kirk let out a strangled choke, "I'm not telling Spock unless you tell him first." The squicky factor was too high for Jim Kirk. He had just about gotten to the point where he could deal with the idea that Spock and Nyota were having sex. Even though Spock and Nyota had the larger cabin next to his, the rooms, and as a result, Jim, Spock and Nyota shared a bathroom. Kirk sometimes heard things he didn't want to as it was. He could deal with his Mother being married to Spock's father, but he didn't want any reminders that the two of them were probably having sex. He just didn't want to think about anything like that. Ever.

Slightly amused at Kirk's distress, she carried on the conversation nonetheless. "And what did you end up sending her?" she asked.

"I gave her back something of hers that I found. I don't really believe in coincidences, but . . . wow. When we were digging through the hold on that freighter, I found the cargo from an old salvage ship. Apparently the ship had cleaned up the region where the Kelvin had been destroyed. I found the packet of letters my dad had sent her before they had gotten married."

"My god! That's unbelievable. And you managed to keep them with you until Spock found us?" Nyota's look softened towards him, "Maybe you aren't quite as bad as I think you are."

"Does that mean I can use your first name in public?"

"No. Try it, Captain, and I'm siccing my Vulcan on you with every piece of paperwork he can find that you should have done and haven't."

Kirk shuddered at the threat. "As you wish. . . Lieutenant." She turned and walked away from him smartly, her long, dark, thick hair swaying with each step.

"Nyota," he whispered loudly.

Uhura turned sharply. "Kirk!"

He smiled at her with his golden beam. She smiled back.

The next day his PADD was filled with 387 inane reports he had to fill out else face the wrath of Star Fleet.



Title: I Hate Those Unexpected Phone Calls, Don't You?
Category: Movies » Star Trek: 2009
Author: pezzyaltoid
Language: English, Rating: Rated: M
Genre: Family/General
Published: 05-02-10, Updated: 05-02-10
Chapters: 1, Words: 8,316

Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Note: I adore Spock/Uhura, but Kirk is my favorite POV character.

Our complement of characters includes Jim, Spock, Nyota, Winona Kirk, Sarek, with brief appearances of McCoy, Sulu, Chekov, and a couple OCs of the female variety.

Mostly PG-13 for inappropriate language, but there is one scene that brings it up to the higher rating.

Enjoy. Always accepting constructive critiques, if you are of such a mind, and do let me know if I need to fix anything. I do my own editing and my eye is not as sharp when it looks at my own words.

Disclaimer: Not mine, which is too bad.

The Vulcan words can be found in the online Vulcan Language Dictionary. Google the phrase vld starbase-10 if you don't already have it bookmarked. Also google stogeek vulcan language for lessons in properly constructing your Vulcan phraseology and avoiding those embarrassing transliterations as opposed to good translations.

Dif-tor heh smusma!


They met at the academy, at the first annual reception for the heroes who saved Earth. Some PR flack thought it a great photo opportunity to have the surviving parents of the young men who stopped the destruction of Earth and and ended the madness meet. Their governments agreed, so Federation Ambassador Extraordinary and Interstellar Troubleshooter at Large, Sarek of Vulcan, son of Skon, son of Solkar, and Commander Winona Kirk, daughter of James, widow of George, currently assigned to the U.S.S. Avery Star, met, exchanged the ta'al, and shared a conversation, a free meal on a Star Fleet expense account and paparazzi while their sons hid.

They had lunch together the next day, end meal on a Thursday at the Vulcan embassy, and a concert the following Friday night. Fortunately, both had learned discretion over the years and none of these meetings included the paparazzi.

A month later, when Winona's ship berthed in at the new Vulcan colony, Sarek met her there.

Another two months, and she attended a diplomatic ball with the Vulcan.

Three months after that . . .

Nyota Uhura's deft fingers moved across her station keying up a message that claimed some urgency. The panel flashed, unnecessarily bright in Nyota's opinion, but it added to the crisp clean look of the bridge.

"Captain, I have an incoming transmission over the Vulcan diplomatic channels from Ambassador Sarek. It's marked 'Personal and Private.'" She glanced over at Spock. Wonder what your dad wants now, Baby, she sent him over their bond-link as she finished pulling the transmission, then noted with some surprise. "It's for you, Captain!"

Spock's right eyebrow lifted. We will need to wait, it seems, Beloved, he sent back.

Kirk turned his chair to give the both the "Okay, what now?" look. "I'll take it in my ready room." he said.

Uhura nodded. "Ambassador, please hold while I transfer you to the Captain's ready room. He'll be with you in just a moment." Two Ph. D.s, three masters degrees and, and here she was playing ship's receptionist between the Boy Captain and her scary father-in-law. Nyota knew is was going to be an interesting shift. She felt a soft amusement from Spock.

"You've got the Conn, Spock." Kirk shrugged as his XO took the center seat. "I got no idea," Kirk whispered so softly, only the Vulcan could hear, "He's your Dad."

About fifteen minutes later, fourteen point seven six, if you asked Spock, the ready room door swooshed open and Kirk peered out, looking a little stunned and slightly sick to his stomach. "Uhm, Commander Spock. Lieutenant Uhura. Could you. Please. Uhhh, both join me for a few minutes?"

Uhura handed communications over to Hannity, Spock gave Sulu the Conn and they followed their Captain into the ready room.

The door slid closed.

"You wanna sit down," Kirk said as he pulled out a bottle of something very old and blue, followed by three small glasses. It wasn't a question.

"Unnecessary," Spock started, "and isn't that illegal, Jim?" He nodded in the direction of the Romulan Ale Kirk had poured.

"Trust me, Spock, you won't care about that when you hear what I've have to tell you," Kirk's electric eyes glazed over, "You, too, Nyota."

She started at the use of her first name. "Sir . . ."

"Call me 'Jim.'," he forced a smile, "You'll understand in just a moment, but first, fucking sit down!"

Both bridge officers sat. Kirk, who had already dropped into his own chair, took a deep breath, and released it. He rubbed his his left hand over his left eye, then his forehead then down to his chin to collect himself and said, as calmly as he could possibly muster, "Your father just asked for my permission to marry my mother." Kirk closed his eyes. A moment later he opened them when he realized there was no sound from either Spock or Nyota except the quick gulps of the illegal blue ale.

"So, congratulations to us. We're going to be a family!" Jim Kirk offered his patented smile with a delight he really didn't feel and refilled the two empty glasses before downing his own. He was fairly certain that this was not what the the elder Spock had meant when he had said that he was and would always be Kirk's friend. Kirk wondered if elder Spock even knew about this. Kirk did know who he was talking to next. He was betting that nothing like this happened in the other time line.

Nyota looked at Spock, then moved an elegant finger to brush against his. Kirk caught the small motion. "Out loud, people, out loud," he declared. "No talking across the bond unless I get to play, too."

He dropped his hand over theirs, catching waves of emotion and thought before Spock could shield.

"Shit!" the force of their emotions nearly knocked him back, "I'd forgotten . . ."

"Jim, STOP IT!" Nyota hissed at him and did push him, butt first, back into chair. "Just grow up!"

"My father is familiar with human women," Spock said suddenly with no little equanimity. "My parents' relationship was quite successful." It was as if he had not noticed the interchange between his wife and his captain, had not seen Nyota physically back down Jim.

Jim chugged his glass of blue and dropped the glass to the desk. "Seems they met at the Memorial reception about six months ago. Some 'fleet suit thought it would be great publicity to get holos of them together. Lead to coffee, dinner, theater, clandestine meetings and a marriage proposal." Jim refilled his own glass again downed the contents in a single gulp. "I sure hope your dad is nicer than my uncle Frank," Kirk added thoughtfully, followed by "I really need to get bigger glasses in here."

"Your mother is an experienced Star Fleet officer, Jim, and no doubt has been involved in a number of diplomatic-related missions," Spock mused. "She has dealt with multiple cultures and species," he nattered along, quite out of character and apparently oblivious to Kirk's words. "Her skills could, perhaps, be of value to Sarek."

Kirk and Spock continued in this disjointed conversation for some minutes. Nyota eased her hand away from Spock's. He did not seem to notice, a clear indication of his distraction. She steepled her fingers and leaned into them, mimicking a very Spockian gesture, blocked the bond, and thought for a moment in the privacy of her own head. They had both lost their minds, she decided.

She laid her hand back down on Spock's. Spock was easy. He had learned over the course of their relationship to just do what he was told as long as it wasn't Star Fleet business. Shhhh, she whispered in his mind, sending soothing calm his way, I have questions for Jim. We'll work it out, Baby. It'll all be okay. Spock stopped talking.

"Captain. Captain!" Kirk was not as easy. She didn't have the same sorts of controls over him as she did the Vulcan and he would not cease talking. "JIM!" she said forcefully. Kirk stopped and stared. "Has he already proposed? " she asked. Jim looked blank. "Has Sarek already proposed marriage to your mother? Are they getting married for sure? If, so, do you know when?"

"Uhm, yes. Yes. Yes. I don't know. I didn't ask." Kirk counted her questions on his fingers and frowned, "I was too busy dealing with a major Federation Ambassador wanting to know if he can be my new father. . . " the patented Kirk Smile was back, directed, with all it's intensity, at Spock. "We're gonna be brothers!"

Spock glared and raised an eyebrow, Nyota rolled her eyes. "Lemme see if I can get Sarek back on the comm and we will ask him." She evicted Kirk from his captainly chair and danced her fingers across the comm unit.

Spock and Kirk went back to babbling and glaring.

"Damn!" Nyota said a few minutes later. "He's off in a meeting already. Where's your mom stationed, Kirk?"

"USS Avery Star."

"Good. They are not that far away from our location." Another finger dance. "Kelzie McManus is their chief comm officer."

"USS Enterprise calling USS Avery Star," Uhura clipped professionally into the comm unit, "Enterprise to Avery Star. Come in, Avery Star."

"Avery Star here. How can we assist you, Enterprise?"

"Kelzie? Nyota Uhura here. My captain would like to speak to your Commander Kirk. Personal and private."

"Understood, Ny. Our Commander Kirk has some interesting friends," Kelzie noted, humor in her voice. "I'll get her for you."

Kirk listened to the exchange with the Avery Star comm officer with no little interest. "Do you know everybody, or something?"

"Lieutenant Kelzie McManus graduated the year before Nyota," Spock paused his monologue which had turned to the potential public relations value of the widow of a legend and the mother of hero on his way to becoming a legend forming an alliance with another legend and father of a hero also on his way to legendary. Despite his quiet Vulcan demeanor, Spock did not give way to false modesties. It would be illogical. "They took several classes together and were often study partners," he said before returning to his other subject.

"Is she hot?" Kirk asked.

"Shhh, both of you!" Nyota could hear Kelzie turn away. Moments later she was back. "I have Winona Kirk for you. She is in her quarters and set for personal and private. Send me something when you get a chance, Ny. It's been a long time since we've talked."

"Absolutely, Kelzie!" Uhura promised her friend.

"Here's our Commander."

Jim didn't wait for his mother to speak. "Mom, I just got a call from the Vulcan ambassador . . ."

"Oh." Kirk could have heard the proverbial pin drop if it weren't for interstellar distances.

"Are you alone, Jimmy?" Commander Kirk finally asked.

"No, ma'am, I am not." Jim replied. "I have my future brother and sister-in-law right here with me."

Winona sighed over the comm link. "Commander Spock. Lieutenant Uhura." She obviously knew exactly about whom Jim was speaking.

"Commander Kirk," they both acknowledged.

"May as well just call them Spock and Nyota, Mom. I know I'm going to."

"I was going to tell you," Winona started, "I just wasn't sure how you would react."

Spock listened with his 'I am a Vulcan. I have no emotions.' face. Nyota glared and twisted her brows as she watched Kirk deal badly with his mother. She snorted almost silently, then bopped her captain on the head.

"That's insubordi . . ." Kirk started to say, then stopped. It wasn't his comm chief that whapped him, it was his mother's future husband's son's wife.

"Commander Kirk," Nyota began, her dark expression and the warning shake of her right index finger in Kirk's face told both men to be quiet.

"Winona, Lieutenant." Winona corrected, "I hope we will be good friends."

"Nyota, please. I am sure we will, Winona. I can't begin to tell you just how absolutely delighted we all are at the news and are looking forward to the wedding. Congratulations and our very best wishes for your happiness." Nyota said, her voice warm and enthusiastic. "In my experience, Vulcans make wonderful husbands."

Nyota stared Kirk down, daring him to argue with her, and simply touched Spock's hand to let him know that she had taken charge of the conversation and things would work out to a logical conclusion. "I have so many questions for you. Have you set a date? Federation or Vulcan style wedding? Spock and I did both, you may know."

The tensions that had been in Winona's voice disappeared at the sound of the friendly, accepting Nyota Uhura. "No dates yet. We need to work that out. We do need to do both. Sarek's position demands it. I'll be retiring from space duty. Since he's working out of San Francisco, I am likely to be teaching part time at the Academy."

The women chatted for another fifteen to twenty minutes (eighteen point seven, according to the Vulcan alarm clock) and ended with Winona saying "Let me get you Aurelan's comm information so you two can talk. I am going to call Sam as soon as we finish. I haven't told him yet, either."

"It's been delightful talking with you, Win. I am so excited about you and Sarek. It'll be wonderful!" Nyota said with genuine affection.

"You, too, Ny. I'm looking forward to having you as a daughter!" Both women laughed with delight.

Kirk poured another glass of blue for himself and his XO, certain that he and Spock were doomed.

Three weeks later:

Spock sat at a table in the officer's lounge staring at a chessboard, nursing a too-large dark chocolate milkshake with cookie crumbles and miniature chips when Kirk found him. A couple of PADDs laid on the table next to the Vulcan, but the information contained in them did not seem to capture the first officer's attention. His normally pristine clothing had drips of chocolate brown down the front.

Kirk slid into the seat across the table from Spock. "Wife kick you out?" he asked, half-joking, half-serious. Spock had been spending a lot more time in the officer's lounge and his labs the last couple of weeks than with Nyota.

Spock shook his head. "Nyota, your mother, Aurelan, Nyota's mother, M'Umbha, and Nyota's sister, Penda, are on a conference call discussing the wedding." He took a large swig of the milkshake. "They decided that I am not helpful and asked me to leave while they talked. I found my own joining with Nyota to be less stressful than that of your mother and my father, Jim." More milkshake disappeared. "I would have gone to my lab, but engineering maintenance is there. Mr. Scotty prefers I not supervise his maintenance crews." Spock was slurring his words a little and huffed a small sigh. "No one wants me," he declared with the certainty of the inebriated.

"Not true at all, bro," Kirk stated while taking opportunity to lean across the table and and pat Spock's shoulder in a friendly, brotherly way. He couldn't get away with that very often without meeting Spock's obvious disapproval. "Not true at all. Anyway, you got me and as long as I'm alive, you got a brother."

"Zhimmm, I have one anyway. You did not know that. It is not in my personnel files." Spock leaned forward over the table, wide-eyed and completely earnest. "Sybok left when I was young. He fought with Sa-sa, and Sa-sa said Sybok was V'tosh Ka'tur. An' he left. Sa-sa declared him k'torr skann and made him a vir, veer, vrekasht. It is as if he never existed."

"What kind of shit is this?" Kirk thought. He was careful to keep the expressions off his face.

Spock took a deep drink of his milkshake then offered it to Kirk, "You should try this. It's really, ree-lee fine. I got the chocolate from Nyota's secret stash. It's the goooood stuff. My Nyota only gets the beeeest. She doesn't know I took it."

"She will, Spock. She will." Kirk didn't know that his XO was a sloppy, emotional drunk, but it was, Kirk decided with great certitude, better than having him angry. Kirk didn't much care for the big green guy when he was angry.

"I really miss him, Zhimm. it makes me very sad. I cried every night for most of a t'ku'hati, Zhimm," Spock rambled on. Kirk listened with wonderment and filed away his new knowledge of his XO's family circumstances. You never knew what might be information be needed in the future.

"Sybok never calls me. You would call me, wouldn't you?"

Kirk nodded yes to Spock's entreaty.

The Vulcan continued, "I didn't like that he left T'Khasi . . .Ah'rak . . .Fulcan, but when it sploded booms sucky in, I was glad he wasn't there. It just makes me sooooo sad. There were times when Sybok was my only friend. He just didn't want to follow the way zuri . . . surrik . . . surik . . . Sarek, noooo, not Sarek. Sarek is my sa-sa, you know. Anyway, surik, surek,sue, sue , sue, wulcan way of let'thieri, harmonicsss, uh kril'es and ozikha. I miss him."

Spock leaned forward again, this time far enough to capture both of Kirk's shoulders. 'You'd call me, bro. You wouldn't spend all your free time planning other peoples's weddings, would you?"

"I got you. And you got me. Brothers forever," Kirk leaned across and patted both of the Vulcan's shoulders this time. "Drinking alone ain't gonna make it any better. Grab yer stuff and come with me. We'll find us some drinkin' buddies."

"You are my ne ki'ne, Zhimmm." the Vulcan drew out Kirk's name, "My t'hy'la. My shield-brother, my blood brother, forever."

"I sure am, Spocko! I sure am.

The corridors were pretty much clear. Kirk decided that Spock would be grateful the next day that they didn't run into any of the crew on their journey to McCoy's rooms.

With a little less chocolate in his system, Spock would have declined politely. As it was, he gathered up his PADDs, shoved them in his midnight blue carry-bag and clutching his tall glass of chocolate milkshake tightly to his chest, followed Kirk on wobbly legs to Leonard McCoy's quarters. He never did find out how he got back to his rooms that night.

The next morning Spock found himself thanking Ek Chuah, the Mayan god of chocolate, that he had the day off. His head throbbed, his mouth was so dry and foul that it tasted as if a hayalit had taken up residence there. A horrid cacophony echoed around him and, worst of all, Nyota was not in the bed beside him. A very bad morning indeed. He sat up enough to realize that the mad noise came from his comm unit and he forced himself up and stumbled over to answer it. Smoothing his tousled shiny black hair into only a vague semblance of it's usual skullcap of glory, he put on the best Vulcan face he could muster and said, "Spock, here." He failed to achieve his usual deep, dulcet sangfroid.

"Ambassador Sarek for you, sir," the crisp, professional, cheerful voice of Elizabeth Palmer, Nyota's relief came through. "Nyota said to keep him on hold for a five minutes after you answered before transferring him over. She said you might not be feeling at your absolute best at the moment. She also said to let you know that she was going to stop in the mess hall and pick up dinner for you both."

"Thank you, Lieutenant Palmer," while he still thought it unnecessary, Spock tried to use human pleasantries as often as possible. It made dealing with them much easier. "I will avail myself of the suggestion."

Spock took 3.97 minutes to splash his face with cold water and slick down his hair. He couldn't do much about the hazy green in the whites of his eyes and just hoped his father would not notice.

"Na'shaya, Sa-fu. Are you unwell?" Sarek could not miss the hangover Spock tried to hide. The eyes, the rough beard, and the hank of hair popping up on the top of the younger Vulcan's head told a story that Spock would rather not share.

"Ne'shau, Sa'mehk. I had just awoke when you called." Spock still wavered a bit and noted the fatherly concern in both Sarek's words and face. He couldn't remember the amount of time that had passed since he and Jim had found their 'drinkin' buddies,' and he was certain he still had chocolate in his system. Palmer had mentioned his wife bringing him dinner. That meant he'd slept the entire day away. "How may I be of service?" Spock managed to remember his common Vulcan courtesies.

"Winona and I have a date chosen for the Federation ceremony." Sarek paused as Spock appeared to digest this additional information. "In order to avoid a diplomatic crisis," he continued, "involving two ambassadors, a Klingon general, the Emperor of an aligned minor Star Empire, and the current Federation president, it is essential that you be my 'Best Man.' I had fully intended to ask you at the appropriate time, but an occurrence at a diplomatic gathering two nights ago pushed it to the forefront and I was forced to explain that my 'Best Man' had already been selected."

"An untruth, Sa'mehk?" the eyebrow raised just a bit.

"A diplomatic diversion. It was necessary at the time to prevent physical violence, and, as I said, I had intended to offer the position to you in any case. Are you willing to serve me in this capacity?"

"I would be most honored and will take the needed steps for Nyota and me to attend. You said you had selected a date for the Federation ceremony."

"We have, though it would be more correct to say that the appropriate departments of the United Federation of Planets Diplomatic Corp and Star Fleet have unfortunately selected the day and location. Winona, her 'new best friend,' M'Umbha Uhura, and their cadre of women are not pleased. They express a great deal of concern that control of the ceremony is being taken away from them by the public relations people and the Diplomatic Corp event planners."

"Perhaps you should consider a smaller, more intimate, family event, Sa'mehk." Spock thoughtfully put a great deal of effort into keeping both of his eyes open and focused on his father's image.

"Sa-fu, I do not have the luxury of being on a starship light years away and having my captain able to perform my wedding ceremony." Sarek spoke with learned calm, but Spock knew when his father was unhappy and annoyed. "This event has become very complicated and has turned into an affair of state. I fear a most unpleasant time. I also wanted to let you know that the Enterprise will be reassigned to duty near Earth to ensure your attendance as well as that of Nyota and Captain Kirk."

"Under the circumstances, Sa'mehk, I do not look forward to discussing this with Nyota. She is very vocal in her opinions concerning your joining and is very much a part of Commander Kirk's cadre," Spock gave up trying to pretend and sighed. Still a little intoxicated, he ventured a subject he'd been considering, but had not yet suggested. "Would you be interested, Sa'mehk, in engaging in some of the Terran pre-ceremony male bonding rituals?"

"I would prefer to avoid them," Sarek allowed, "but considering the emotional outbursts related to my choosing a 'Best Man,' perhaps they cannot be avoided."

"Indeed." said the younger S'chn T'gai, "I will confer with Jim and the Doctor about appropriate activities. Do you know when the Enterprise will be recalled to Earth?"

"Star Fleet is cutting the orders today. Since the wedding is highly formal, I would request that you send me your physical measurements as well as those of Nyota and Captain Kirk. I will have appropriate garments tailored for you for the ceremony. You can finish the fittings when you arrive in San Francisco."

"Thank you, Sa'mehk," Spock said.

"It is only logical, Spohk. One does not thank logic."

"I differ on that, Sa'mehk. When one lives among the humans, one learns to say 'thank you' for many things."

"Indeed. Now it is time, sa-fu, that you perform your ablutions. I would advise you to contact your ship's physician for a hangover remedy and avoid so much chocolate in the future."

Spock felt his head becoming droopy. He was embarressed that his father had noticed. "I shall, Father."

Sarek looked almost ready to end the conversation, but didn't. "And one piece of advice from a man with many years of experience in living with a human female. Never touch her chocolate. Human women have a nearly incomprehensible relationship with chocolate. It is apparently necessary to their continued existence and happiness. And when you fail to follow that advice, as you certainly will, be sure to replace what you ate with more chocolate of greater quality that what she had. You will have a better life in the long run if you do." Had Sarek been human, he would have smiled. As it was, his eyes softened and his mouth quirked up slightly. "I learned this from experiences with your mother."

"You cannot possibly have Jim Kirk and Leonard McCoy help you plan a bachelor party, baby. Not one for your father!" Nyota Uhura was adamant. She and last meal arrived just a few minutes after Spock disconnected with Sarek. He had shared their conversation and his offer as they ate.

Nyota swallowed her bite of fragrant rice and curried tofu and spinach then continued. "And not Hikaru Sulu or Montgomery Scott, either. The whole lot of them are about as mature as three-year-olds and fucking batshit insane!" She took another bite of her food and followed it with iced chai.

"Admiral Pike?" Spock ventured, "Mr. Chekov? Perhaps Lieutenant Maderson from my lab staff?" He had not lied when he told his father she was vocal in her opinions.

Nyota maintained a fondness for the admiral. He'd given her her first opportunity to be on the bridge of the Enterprise. He'd selected her beloved as his first officer and still maintained good relations with them. "Chris Pike, maybe. Pavel is still about twelve years old and I don't know about Lieutenant Maderson!"

A momentary look of confusion crossed Spock's face. "Mr. Maderson is a quite competent astrophysicist with a Ph. D. from Earth's MIT. Also, I can assure you that Mr. Chekov is more than twelve years in age. According to my calculations, he should be approximat . . . ." he started.

"That's not what I meant, sweetie, and you know it. I mean he's still very young and inexperienced. He wouldn't be a good guide on how to proceed. Talk to Chris Pike about it. I suppose you can talk to the rest of them, too, but just remember that they are not good sources of advice for you on this subject."

"I will take that into highest consideration when formulating my plans." Spock assured his wife.

"Good boy!" Nyota smiled a sweet, suggestive smile at him and her eyes danced. "Now how's your head?"

"I believe my condition has improved considerably since yesterday."

"Good! Cause you owe me big time after killing off my chocolate stash. Now, again, how's your head?"

Spock delayed a moment while he processed her statement. "A double entendre, ashayam? if I understand you correctly, my 'head' is quite respectable and I shall demonstrate it for you."

He stood up and pulled Nyota from her chair towards him, kissing her ravenously while sliding her skirt up and panties down. He maneuvered the pair of them around and backed her over to the little Star Fleet issue couch in their quarters.

He released her mouth just long enough to issue directions to the computer system. "Computer, privacy lock on the door, no overrides, dim lights to 23.7%." Another solid meeting of mouths, her uniform slipped away from her body and he laid her naked and supine on the small couch. With practiced and determined motions, he moved down her body till he reached her hot center. There, he demonstrated his ample skills until she arched, screamed her release and demanded revenge.

"So, Admiral," Spock began, "I have been charged with being 'Best Man' at my father's Federation wedding to Captain Kirk's mother, as well as arranging the traditional ceremonial activities engaged in by males prior to the ceremony"

"You are arranging a bachelor party?" Chris Pike leaned back in his chair, quite taken with the concept.

"Affirmative, sir," Spock nodded slightly. "Nyota suggested that I request your particular advice after she said that the Captain, Dr. McCoy, Mr. Sulu and Mr. Scott were all . . ." The Vulcan paused, pulling the words together and wondering at his own ability to repeat them, "were all about as mature as three year olds and batshit insane. She also referred to Mr. Chekov as 'still being 12-years old.'"

"I could see where she might feel that way," Pike said judiciously. A slight smiled played across his rugged face. "What sort of advice were you looking for?"

"Affirmation of my understanding of the rituals and perhaps assistance in obtaining a venue and appropriate accouterments. I have some vague familiarity with the concept of a bachelor party, but I have never attended one. There was an emergency the night before Nyota and I wed, and the one that the Captain Kirk and Dr. McCoy planned was necessarily abandoned."

"Well," Pike began, not quite sure how to describe one of his culture's more juvenile rituals. "You need some place for the party, the venue, a BIG cake, intoxicants, and interesting women who are not friends, relatives, spouses, girlfriends or close acquaintances of the men attending. They just need to be women that are very interesting, if you understand what I mean." Pike wasn't sure whether Spock did or not. The young Vulcan was hugely perceptive at times, but some of the more bizarre aspects of human behavior were just too bizarre for him.

"Interesting." Spock was nodding as he listened, his head already brimming with ideas for a 'bachelor party.'

"And music. You will want good music and excellent food, too."

"Very well, sir. If you could assist me in determining a suitable location and reserving it, I will begin to arrange the rest of the event." Following his beloved ashayam's injunction, he did not discuss the party with his co-workers until he handed them formal, engraved invitations to Sarek's bachelor party.

"You sure this is the place?" McCoy looked doubtfully at the staid edifice in front of him. The building was old, but immaculately maintained. The brick facade was nearly as crisp and bright as the day it had been built.

Jim looked at his fancy engraved card. "This is it. Address matches." Kirk opened the wrought iron gate, half expecting it to creak with age, but the gate opened smoothly, as well tended to as the rest of the building and grounds.

Once through the foyer, the pair walked into a warmly lit room. The wait-staff, all female, all from such a varying range of species, that Kirk thought he was at a UFP gathering. As he grabbed a drink and looked around, he was certain it was a UFP diplomatic gathering with a few Star Fleet personnel thrown in. He downed his drink and caught a second from a passing tray.

"Come on, Bones." he grabbed his friend's arm and dragged him toward the huge cake in the center of the room. "We gotta see this!"

"So what kind of girl do you think a Vulcan would have popping out of a cake?" Bones asked.

"I don't know, man, but I am certain I want to be up front when it happens. If she's anything like the ladies he has floating around now - well, we just have to see!"

Kirk did not have to wait long to get his wish. Not more than five minutes after he arrived, Spock called attention to the center of the room.

"We are here to acknowledge the impending marriage of my father, Ambassador Sarek to Winona Kirk by way of a human tradition known as a bachelor party. I would like to thank Admiral Christopher Pike for his explanations of the aspects of a 'Bachelor Party,' and his assistance in arranging the location. Ralash tanaf, the musical selections tonight, are provided by the Kehek Uzh'Shi'kahr Ka'athyra eh Kolchak." His audience applauded politely. While Spock may have been a genuine Vulcan rebel, son of another Vulcan rebel, he was still a connoisseur of all things Vulcan, as were most of the Vulcans who had survived the destruction. Tonight he looked very Vulcan and every centimeter the dignified, powerful and in control son of a diplomat, grown-up in a universe of those who could change the Federation and knew it. "The catering was provided by the Vulcan Embassy chef, Scalak, and his staff. Decorations were provided by the Federation Diplomatic Corp Public Relations and Security departments."

Kirk muttered to McCoy. "That's not a good sign for a bachelor party"

"Maybe someone can sign a treaty, Jim." Bones smirked. "I am just interested in seeing our Vulcan's interpretation of 'the girl in the cake.' He's got a cake large enough to hold one."

The bridge crew invitees, Sulu and Chekov, and the Enterprise's engineer, Montgomery Scott, had sidled up to where Kirk and McCoy stood. "Or it may just all be keek, sair!"

McCoy turned slightly to look at Chekov. "How did you get an invitation? You're not old enough."

"I am nearly 20, now, Doctor. Mees Uhura gave me the invitation, herself."

"So much for the drunken sex orgy," Kirk sighed, "Uhura would have never let Chekov come if she thought there was going to be a drunken sex orgy"

They turned their attention back to the Vulcan as Spock continued to speak. "Our servers tonight, in honor of my father's pre-diplomatic vocation of astrophysics. are from the math, computer, and physics departments of Star Fleet Academy, UCSC, and CalTech. They will also be able to provide assistance during tonight's main program. So with no further delay . . .The Lady in the Cake!"

"WhooHOOO!" Kirk shouted. "It's about time." Spock glared, diplomats and other party-goers stared, and the cake split open. Instead of the anticipated half-naked girl the Enterprise's captain wished for, Spock escorted a stately gray-haired woman dressed in a rich dark purple and green silk tunic and pants out. Not quite human, but very humanoid, she was a dignified, handsome and elegant representative of her planet.

"We have an rare opportunity tonight. I would like to present Doctor Chelina Marinaeko. She as recently published several articles in the Journal of Astrophysics that are characterized as ground-breaking and controversial as well as highly original. She will discuss her theories with us tonight is a presentation similar to the one she gave at the recent Interplanetary Conference on Recent Developments in Interstellar Mechanics."

Trust Spock to pick out a physicist to put in his cake. Kirk and McCoy both felt the disappointment acutely. Sulu, the helmsman, and Scott, the engineer, were less so. Dr. Marinaeko's work could have impact on their functional areas, but young navigator looked as if he were going to come in his pants. "Oh, ve are soooo lucky!" he was practically bouncing. "Dr. Marinaeko ist vun of my heeroes! I haf read all of her papers, two, three, four times. I vunder if I can get her autograph?"

Kirk sighed. "I'm guessing Spock can arrange it." he said wondered if any of the physics department servers would be as impressed by a young and handsome starship captain as his navigator was by a middle-aged astrophysicist.

They weren't. Of course, they weren't. They were too busy babbling to each other in advanced mathematics and astrophysical theory. It was a miserable excuse for a bachelor party in Kirk's opinion. The food was superb, the booze excellent, but the music was too intellectual and no one got to leave with any of the "girls," except the drivers who took them back to dorm rooms and other residential facilities and Mr. Chekov, who went happily off as the escort of their guest lecturer. Apparently she had a curly-haired grandson about his age, who also loved physics.

Kirk tugged at the Vulcan robes he now wore. They looked good on him, but, in his opinion, most clothing did. The garments weren't really uncomfortable, just annoying and certainly not as bad as his Star Fleet dress uniform. He worked his way over to where Spock stood talking with Sarek. Kirk felt infinitely more comfortable with his XO, and soon-to-be-stepbrother, than his fellow groomsmen and their bodyguards. The formal garments looked good on the Vulcans, too. Both Spock and his father carried that 'royal Vulcan dignity' look to the extreme.

"So how come I get to wear this stuff and they," Kirk pulled at his front as would a small child, then gestured over to the other groomsmen, otherwise known as the Federation President, a Klingon general, the Emperor of a Minor Star Empire, and the ambassadors from Andoria and Tellus, "don't have to?"

"Your family, Kirk, is about to join with an ancient Vulcan clan," Sarek explained. He would have thought that Kirk would have asked Spock for this information earlier. "The embroidery indicates your identity and what your position will be within the clan when your mother and I are joined."

"Really? I just thought it was for decoration." Kirk said.

"It is for decoration, Jim," Spock said. "But it also says that you are now tomasu, a kinsman of my maat, and a son of Sarek. Your name, that of your brother, Sam, and your mother's will be held with our family for generations to come. You will be sa-toz'ot to my children as I will be to yours."

The music started and the men filed out to the altar, followed by a herd of personal bodyguards who filtered into defensive positions around the wedding party.

While Winona's attendants did not represent near as many worlds as Sarek's did, they matched the men in finery, wearing traditional garments from their respective families' historical backgrounds to the wedding. Penda and the first of two of Sarek's kinswomen, a distant cousin who had been off-planet when Vulcan was destroyed, came down the aisle. M'Umbha followed, accompanied by the middle daughter of Sarek's mother's younger brother. The ko-fu-lar, the daughters, came next.

Damn, Kirk thought as he caught sight of his sisters-in-law, Nyota Uhura and Aurelan Kirk, The best ones are always already taken! He cast his glance down the row of bridal attendants and wondered briefly if the the young Vulcan woman or Penda Uhura, who stood next to her, were single. He could chat them both up at the reception. For a moment, in his next thought, he considered chiding himself for thinking about women he could pick up at his mother's wedding, then turned his attention back down the aisle.

The woman who had been his mother's best friend since childhood, the one who stood up with her when she married George Samuel Kirk, the one who had told her of the horrid things that Uncle Frank had done to her children, proceeded down the aisle. As she passed Jim's position to take her place of honor, she smiled and nodded, telling Jim this was a very good thing.

A brief silence, then the music rose again, a traditional processional, several hundred years old, filled the hall. The audience stood as Winona Kirk, dressed not in white, but in icy blue-lavender, and accompanied by Tiberius Kirk as her own father was gone, walked towards her future.


One years later:

"Captain," Liz Palmer called for her leader's attention. "I have an incoming transmission over the Vulcan Diplomatic channels from Ambassador S'chn T'gai Sarek cha Skon and T'sai Winona for . . . Captain Kirk James Tiberius cha George, Commander S'haile S'chn T'gai Spohk cha Sarek and Lieutenant T'sai S'chn T'gai Uhura Nyota adun'a Spohk cha Sarek." Elizabeth Palmer stumbled over the long Vulcanized names. There were parts of Spock's name, Kirk wouldn't even attempt to pronounce. Liz Palmer was good, any captain in the fleet would have been thrilled to have her on their bridge, but still she was no where near the caliber of Nyota Uhura as a linguist. "It's marked 'Personal and Private, sir.'"

Kirk rotated around to face her. Despite having had his butt in that chair nearly every day for the better part of three years, he still took a perverse joy in being able to sit in 'The Chair' without being chased out.

"Thanks, Liz. Please transfer the call to my quarters, and notify Commander Spock and Lieutenant Uhura to meet me there."

Palmer acknowledged the order and he could hear her calling Spock and Nyota even before he made it to the lift. Torn between laughing at 'Lord and Lady Suh Chin Taggy,' and worrying about his mother, or Sarek or the fate of the Federation, Kirk decided to laugh. Fate of the Federation messages from the Diplomatic Corp would not require Spock and Nyota, would not come couched in long Vuhlkansu names and would not include his mother as one of the senders. His mother. Oh, god, what could possibly be wrong now?

The aforementioned Nyota and Spock waited outside Kirk's door. They could have gone in, both of them had the codes, but courtesy prevailed, and they were, both, mostly, very polite people. Nyota looked curious. Spock looked collected.

"Liz said there was a communication from Sarek and Winona over the diplomatic channels?" Nyota asked.

"That's all I know, too." Kirk said. "They wanted to talk to the three of use together."

"It will not be an emergency, K'diwa," Spock's deep bass and gentle waves of affection always had a calming effect on her. They pressed fingers together in the ozh'esta. Nyota closed her eyes and felt the calm. "You should sit down," Spock told her.

He splayed a large hand across her bulging abdomen and was rewarded with a kick. She sat down on Kirk's sofa, tomato red silk tunic swirling. Spock sat down next to her. He handed her the other pillows, which she reclined back on, then took her feet in his lap. He pulled off her flat soft shoes and began to systematically rub Nyota's feet, while Kirk brought up the comm line. How his world had changed that Spock was willing to be that open in public, or at least around Kirk. If it weren't for Nyota's heavy pregnancy, you would have thought he'd never touched her, though, based on his more public behaviors.

"Pipe it through, Ms. Palmer," Kirk directed.

"Aye, sir."

A moment later, the stentorian tones that could stop a war boomed out. "Greetings, James. I trust that my son and his wife are with you." Sarek said.

"We are all here." Kirk rotated the comm unit so that the ambassador could view the cozy scene on the couch. Spock wasn't even embarrassed to have his father see him massaging Nyota's feet.

"I did the same thing for your mother when she was carrying you," Sarek's expression soften just a bit around his eyes. "She was convinced it reduced the swelling in her feet. I am not sure that there was any empirical evidence to that effect, but it made her quite happy."

"Nyota says the same thing." Spock responded, though not stopping his steady massage.

"Indeed I do," Nyota added.

"I am guessing, sir, that you and mom didn't call about Nyota's feet," Jim interrupted.

"We didn't." Winona joined Sarek at the comm station, "How are my favorite Captain, First Officer, Comm Chief and my soon-to-be newest grand-baby doing?"

"We are all fine, Mom. Nyota's about ready to pop any minute now. Spock's driving me crazy. I don't even want to think about what it's going to be like when the baby comes."

"You'll all survive. By the way, Jimmy, when are YOU going to get married and give us some grandchildren, yourself? What about that nice Carol Marcus? You two seem to hit off pretty well. Or Nyota's sister? She's a lovely girl and so intelligent!"

"I don't need a matchmaker, Mom," Kirk insisted.

"Penda does say he's cute," Nyota called out, teasing and making Kirk blush slightly. "And I know for a fact, he gets messages from both Carol and Penda on a regular basis."

"Thank you, Lieutenant Uhura," Kirk snapped, but with humor in both his voice and face indicating he was not serious, "I'm gonna cut you off from reports from your staff, if you keep trying to embarrass me." Kirk turned back to the comm unit and his mother. "Now, what's with you and Sarek? Why the special call?"

"We can't just call because we are your parents?" Winona asked. She gave Kirk his patented smile.


"Okay, Jimmy." she finally said. "Can I get all three of you over here, please, first?"

Nyota struggled to set upright for a moment before Spock lifted her up and they joined Jim at the desk. Well trained by now, he gave up his seat to his sister-in-law.

"Sarek and I, uhmmm, I'm, uh . . . " Winona looked for words, but the Sarek the ambassador found them

"Your mother and I are expecting a child," he said in the sort of deadpan that only a Vulcan could accomplish in the face of their adult children.

Jim and Spock both froze. It was hard to deal with their parents marrying, but they got through it, but even for adult children, neither of them would ever really be past the 'Oh. My. God. Ewww' factor that implied that their parents had sex.

Jim started calculating about how much Romulan ale he could talk Bones out of.

Spock was working rapidly on logical arguments in favor and against Sarek having more children, especially children that would shared a genetic relationship with Jim Kirk.

Nyota squealed with joy. "Oh how wonderful!" she burbled happily at Winona. "I am so excited for you, Winnie! When are you due? How long have you . . ."

Jim looked at Spock. Spock looked at Jim. They were sure they were doomed.



Which Star Trek Character Am I?

Your results:
You are Spock
Geordi LaForge
An Expendable Character (Redshirt)
Jean-Luc Picard
Beverly Crusher
Deanna Troi
Will Riker
James T. Kirk (Captain)
Leonard McCoy (Bones)
Mr. Scott
Mr. Sulu
You are skilled in knowledge and logic.
You believe that the needs of the many
outweigh the needs of the few.
Click here to take the "Which startrek character are you?" quiz...

A Funny Thing Happened on My Way to Sickbay

A Funny Thing Happened on My Way to Sickbay

Pairing: S/U/Ch
This is TOS AU
I do not own anything of Star Trek, except books, DVDs, and a key chain fob with single film cell of Spock from TOS.


Kirk sighed. Fingers at the bridge of his nose, hazel eyes hidden by his hands and half-closed lids, he knew for dead certain that he would have one of those headaches by the time this discussion was over, if not before. His office never felt so small and uncomfortable.

Nothing, nothing, nothing would ever come to good if his chief communications officer, his head nurse and his first officer waited in front of him, silently, like three naughty children caught with their hands in the cookie jar. He could only hope that the three were suitably embarrassed. The events that brought them to his office weren't at all good and there really wasn't a damn thing he could do personally to fix it. The women's heads tilted down; Spock stared forward, emotions held tightly in check, trying to resemble a greenish marble statue.

"So tell me. From the beginning. How did this happen?" Kirk looked directly at his stoic best friend. Spock would have seemed emotionless to anyone else, but Kirk noted minute tensions in the Vulcan's face and posture, Kirk hated to take a, what could he call it, a 'parental role' with his first officer. Nothing else seemed to fit the situation, but it felt damn strange and even more damnably wrong.

"The mole' at the new year's celebration in the science lab. I was not aware that it contained both chocolate and cinnamon. The dish itself was vegetarian and skillfully prepared." Spock's voice was low, controlled, his word choices boded evasiveness and the circumlocution that only the Vulcan could achieve.

"Mint juleps at the med lab's party," Christine half-smiled at the memory, then added, "McCoy pours a mean drink."

"Scotch. Engineering. Old. Smoooooth." An expert in communications, Nyota used few words and said a lot. She closed her heady brown eyes like a cat satiated with sunshine.

The captain continued, directed still at Spock. The look in his eyes. Defiance? Like that of a teenager? Not quite, Kirk decided.

"Sooo, I am to understand that you ate the mole' . . .?"

"I am uncommonly fond of sweet potatoes, a key ingredient in the dish that was prepared by Ensign Sanchez. The recipe is one that had been used by his family for many generations. He claimed it dates back several hundred years." Ahhh, the evasiveness. The redirection. Vulcans may not lie, but that didn't mean that his Vulcan couldn't, and wouldn't, redirect.

"and you didn't feel the effects of the chocolate until . . ."

"After I had consumed enough for the chemicals to have a significant impact on my behavior. At that point, I noted the loss of control and immediately left to return to my quarters. When I entered the lift, I encountered Nyota, Ms. Uhura. She was giggling."

"Under the circumstances, I think you can continue to call her 'Nyota,'" Kirk said, the turned to Ms. Uhura. "With her permission, of course," he added.

Nyota nodded her approval with a smile. "He told me I was beautiful," she added softly looking away from Chapel and directly at Spock.

Spock froze for .27 seconds at the comment, then continued, "She was on her way to sick bay, as she had consumed too much alcohol and was seeking relief from inebriation. She was having difficulty with her co-ordination and required my assistance to remain in a upright position"

"Sickbay was a good choice then, Lieutenant," Kirk nodded, "And I suppose it was responsible for you to have assisted her, Spock." Nyota blushed. Kirk was surprised that she could have felt any more embarrassed than she did.

Spock closed his eyes for a moment. Kirk thought he felt something akin to a wish for klaxons and a combined Romulan and Klingon attack coming from the Vulcan. An unlikely occurrence, of course, as the great ship was well within Federation territory and on it's way for resupply and repair at Vulcan.

"Nyota suggested that I might want to come with her and receive treatment for my accidental poisoning. I agreed with her logic and followed." Spock took a deep breath and continued.

"I sought to avoid the Doctor, as I felt, at the time, unwilling to deal with his potentially annoying questioning and comments, so Nyota and I entered through the entrance to the smaller bio-lab. There we met Christine, Ms. Chapel. She was by herself, drinking what was, we later determined, her third McCoy-produced mint julep." Christine was looking at Nyota. Kirk could have sworn they were either making eyes or faces at each other.

"'Christine' is fine." Christine murmured in Spock's direction, "But you already know that. You said so yourself." A coy smile on her face, she winked at the Vulcan. "And you know, Captain," she looked directly at Kirk, "that Leonard never skimps on the Southern Comfort."

Spock tilted his head slightly and quirked an eyebrow. "Due to the effects of the chocolate and cinnamon in my system, I don't remember much after that, except for what I have been able to recall through my meditations and subsequent discussions with Ms. Uhura and Ms. Chapel. Most of the memories are not appropriate to share, even with you, Jim, and certainly not with you in front of Nyota and Christine" Spock's ear tips were a darker green and Kirk almost smiled at the greenish blush across his friends cheeks. Almost. He was still trying to figure out what was going on in Spock's logical brain.

Both women were trying very hard to look elsewhere, but the tall handsome, blushing Vulcan seemed to draw them to him. Even standing, they leaned ever-so-slightly in his direction.

Kirk was impressed by the clear, scientific, utterly equivocating way Spock related the happenings. No stuttering, no innuendos. Any other man, and Kirk knew he would get the details later over drinks and in not such a polite manner. With Spock, maybe never.

"I, uh, we, the three of us" Spock hurriedly corrected, "awoke the next morning in VIP suite in such a condition that it was undeniable as to what took place the night before." Kirk had spoken to himself too soon. If Spock would have been human, he would have been sweating when he stuttered those words.

"Then . . ." Kirk prompted, his hazel eyes flashed briefly. The situation was deadly serious, AND going to give him a headache, both present and future. He was sure it would be hilarious in about twenty years over a bottle of saurian brandy with McCoy.

"We cleaned up ourselves and the room, agreed to keep silent about the occurrence and kept that vow for 1.8 weeks until . . ."

Christine interrupted Spock. "I think I have the next part," she said.

Ny came in sickbay looking like death warmed over, her dark face pale, the delicate skin around her eyes spotted with tiny hemorrhages as if she had been throwing up.

"I really need something for the stomach flu, Chris," Nyota held her arms tight over her stomach, her eyes glazing. "I've spent the morning tossing my breakfast. I'm swollen and I hurt and can you call me in to the bridge cause I don't think I'm gonna mak . . . urgh"

Chris Chapel held a disposable bedpan under her friend's face, and professionally waited for her to finish puking. When Nyota moved to clean herself up in the lavatory, Chris promptly threw-up herself.

Christine disposed of the evidence and rinsed her mouth out in the lab sink just before Nyota emerged from the lav, looking less wan, but shakier, than when she entered.

"Hop up on the bio-bed," Christine directed. "Lemme scan you to see what's going on, then we'll know what we can do for your symptoms."

Nyota hopped up on the bed. Chris ran the scanners over her, then again and a third time just to be sure. She took a deep breath and put on her most professional face and demeanor.

"Ny, you don't have the flu," she said, keeping a levelness and control in her voice that she didn't feel. "You're pregnant."

"Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck." Nyota repeated the curse over and over again. She buried her face in her hands, then used her exquisitely groomed nails to pull her hair forward. "How the hell am I going to tell him?" She stared at Chris. "It was just that one time. Other than that I haven't been active for months. Just how the hell am I going to tell Spock he's going to be a father?"

Chris sucked in a deep cleansing breath and took Nyota's hands in hers. "The same way I am."

"You, too. You mean . . .," Uhura breathed softly, "I kinda thought he'd be sterile."

"He's two for two saying he's not. Readings are Vulcan for both of us," Christine said. "I bet that whoever put him together made sure that he was fertile with both human and Vulcan woman."

Nyota released her friend's hands, shuddering. "What a horrible way for a new year's party to end!" Nyota cried. A small smile shadowed across her face and vanished. "I don't know if I should laugh or cry!"

Nyota took up the tale next. "I reserved a small conference room and scheduled a meeting for the three of us," she explained, then paused. "May we sit down, sir? I'm feeling a bit nauseous right now."

"Of course, Lieutenant." Kirk said, "Be seated. Sorry I didn't think of that myself."

The women eased themselves into chairs. Kirk grabbed his office waste can, pulled out the bag of trash, replaced the liner with the extra one stored at the bottom of the bright metal can and pushed it near Uhura.

Spock remained standing. "You sit down, too," Kirk directed.

"I prefer to remain standing, sir." he said in his controlled, Very Vulcan way.

Jim released an annoyed breath. "Sit down, Spock. Come on, PLEASE. Sit down." He glared for a moment at his first officer and friend. This was a difficult situation for them all and the stoic Vulcan, going into Vulcan mode didn't help.

Spock sat.

"Nyota?" Kirk prompted his comm chief.

"Yes, sir. As I said, I set up a meeting with the three of us," she continued. "Chris and I thought it would be best if we both told him at the same time. It wasn't as if either of us had a true prior claim and since the three of us were together at the time it happened, well, Chris and I just thought we should talk to him together." Both women stared at Kirk, looking for his . . .forgiveness? Understanding? Permission to continue one of the hardest and weirdest conversations he had in years?

"OK, that's reasonable," Kirk agreed. He really, truly hoped this would be funny in twenty years. "The conference rooms can be sound-proofed and this is not something that you'd want on the Enterprise gossip circuit. I can understand your reasons for telling him at the same time."

Oh, and by the way, how WAS having HIS emotionally repressed XO knock-up two of the highest ranking women on HIS starship at the same time going to impact HIS crew's morale and discipline? Kirk didn't want to think about that. If he did, then he'd have to think about how it happened and he really didn't want to think about the image of Spock in a drunken orgy with Chris and Nyota. Himself, maybe, but not Spock. Never Spock. Spock: the antithesis of a drunken orgy. Kirk decided on which serious face to use while listening to Nyota.

"We talked for about three hours and put together the outline of a plan to deal with the roles and responsibilities, tasks, deadlines, and possible outcomes of the situation." Uhura tapped the PADD that she carried. "I have it all documented here along with a projected time-line." Uhura's face went ashen and she dropped the PADD to the side of her chair. Her breakfast went into the waste can. Spock calmly leaned forward, tied off the offending contents and asked Kirk if he had any more liners.

I am a starship captain, Kirk repeated to himself three or four times. I can handle ANYTHING. Invasions, diplomats, bureaucratic idiots, crisis in space, exploding warp cores, exploding stars. He pulled a roll of liners he wasn't supposed to have from his bottom desk drawer. Maintenance would confiscate them if they knew the liners were there.

Kirk stared at the PADD that was back in Uhura's lap. He should have expected that they would have a plan. He couldn't remember exactly how many Ph.D.s and project management training classes the three shared, but he knew it was impressive. He finally decided on his course of action. Bureaucracy, here I come, he thought.

"There are two major potential issues from Star Fleet. First, a violation of the "Number one is fraternization regulations - the ones we overlook unless there is a conflict of interest occurring. Mr. Spock and Ms. Uhura are department heads and Ms. Chapel is under Medical. I write reviews for both Spock and Nyota, McCoy does Chris' and I sign off on it." Kirk paused, thoughtfully. "Problem is Spock is also my first officer, which puts him in everyone's line of command."

"The ameliorating factor for Mr. Spock is that he did not purposefully consume intoxicants. He can legitimately claim that he was drugged or poisoned, by accident, but it still happened." Kirk paused, uncertain how to phrase the rest of his unprepared speech. "However, you two are a different matter because of the second potential issue. You chose to drink and become inebriated, which makes you responsible for your actions. Based on the regs, Mr. Spock could file complaints against both of you for sexual misconduct and rape. We do apparently have the evidence for that by your own admissions."

"Whaaat, sir! We didn't . . ."

"Are you sure, sir? We were all . . ."

"I have no desire to, nor is there a need to, "press charges," Jim," Spock, the Voice of Vulcan Reason, said. "There is one detail we have not yet shared. If it had not been for the unforeseen outcome we have just reported, we would have handled everything on Vulcan when we arrive there in 1.4 weeks. I had already made the appointments needed with a healer and a priestess to break the marital bonds I created with both Nyota and Christine that night." Spock gave a very human sigh.

"By the laws of my people, which ARE recognized by the Federation, I am married to both of them."

"Marital bonds?" Jim repeated the words flatly. "You bonded with BOTH of them," Kirk held his expression tight, "Can you do that? Bigamy is acceptable on Vulcan?"

Spock nodded and lowered his eyes. "A poor description, at best. The laws are old, from before the time of Surak, but still a part of our legal structure. It does not happen in modern times, and is frowned upon, but it is still legal."

"Without the marriage bond, a child is considered kren'ath, a shamed one. I would not wish this on my kan-bu. Not on either of my children or their ko-mehk-lar, and I fully intend to claim both as my heirs." Spock looked directly at each of the women. "My parents never expected grandchildren after my divorce from T'Pring."

Kirk finally realized why the two vibrant opinionated female officers had been so quiet during the conversation. They had been talking to Spock and each other through the bond. Kirk should have known. He'd used the link he had with Spock the same way over the years.

Oh, god, was there ever going to be paperwork! Kirk had decided that his polygamous first officer was going to fill out all the forms and reports himself.

"Goddammit, Spock!" Kirk wasn't sure if it were from frustration or envy. "Did you have to. . . I mean BOTH of them?"

He never knew how he knew Spock's response before the words left the very proper Vulcan's lips. He didn't know if it was a glint in Spock's eye, a quirk of that eyebrow, a tilt of the Vulcan's head, or that tenuous mental connection which made them the best command team Star Fleet had ever seen, but Kirk was not surprised when Spock replied, "It seemed the logical thing to do at the time."

Kirk finally named the expression he'd seen in his first's face. Damn it all, if that Vulcan wasn't fucking proud of what he'd done. There, Kirk felt the tightness and pain as it traveled across the top of his skull, was his headache. He wondered if Bones still had that bottle of saurian brandy. He was going to need it a lot sooner than twenty years.



Oct. 13th, 2009

I love the Star Trek 2009 Reboot movie.

I've seen all of the original series and am impressed with the way they brought the characters forward (or backward as the case may be).  



Latest Month

May 2013